Mystery

I live with a mystery. People who have known my husband for any length of time know he’s orderly, brilliant, a hard worker, but not given to lavish displays of emotion. In our first church a friend nicknamed him steely man.

For these reasons watching my husband love our recently adopted daughter is a thing of beauty. It surprises me. He easily reaches out to hug her, takes her on daddy daughter dates, tells her he loves her. Each act of love squeezes my chest tight with emotion.

He willingly stepped into another man’s shoes – shoes that father had abandoned. He bristles with protection and is diligent in looking out for her.

But what amazes me most is realizing that what I’m actually witnessing is incarnation. It’s like Bethlehem all over again. Christ is being born in my husbands heart. I know this is true because naturally speaking people don’t strain their checkbook or their heart for someone else’s daughter. That’s what Jesus does. Jesus went around collecting widows, tax collectors, the infirm. Jesus had an eye toward the vulnerable. That’s where he liked to show up.

And he’s still showing up, reborn in his people, hands and feet sewed together with Spirit sinew. Marching out love. When I look at my husband’s face, at moments, I see the contours of Jesus. Alive. Moving him to love someone else’s child as his very own.

Sometimes I forget to look for Jesus’ eyes peering out at me through a Christian brother or sister’s face, but when I see it I’m in awe. In awe that I get to be a part of Jesus’ body living here on earth. You can see it just about anywhere you look. The gospel with skin on.

Conversations with my Daughter – Being Comfortable in Your Own Skin

Growing up is hard work! One day you’re playing with dolls, the next day you’re picking out a bra. You see pictures of beautiful young women in advertisements and on tv everyday. Maybe you compare yourself to your friends. Deep inside, each girl has one question they desperately want to know the answer to: Am I beautiful?

Being comfortable with who you are isn’t just about liking your appearance, it’s also about liking yourself as a person.

Comparison is an ugly trap. Here are three ways to avoid getting stuck in the comparison game and actually being comfortable with who you are:

Take the opportunity to focus on the good, work on your weaknesses, and let go of things you can’t change.

• Embrace the good. You have a lot of strengths! Focus on those. It may be that you run fast, are emotionally strong, have pretty blue eyes, and are good at making friends. All of those things make you beautiful to God and others. You should appreciate those things about yourself as well. It’s okay to like yourself!
• Work on your weaknesses. Of course we all have weaknesses as well as strengths. Even the girls at school or on tv that you admire the most have something that they wish they could change about themselves. Be honest about who you are, not ashamed. Allow people close to you – like your parents, Sunday school teacher, or good friend – help you work on those areas. If you struggle with time management, algebra, acne, or messiness those are things that can be improved with time and attention.
• Let go of what you can’t change. There are some things about you that can’t be changed. Your height, where you were born, or any disability you may have. Recognize that even though you can’t control some aspects of yourself or your circumstance you can choose how you respond to them. The qualities of joy, hope, patience, and self control make you more beautiful than a perfect smile or high IQ. Let go of what you aren’t in control of and embrace what you can control – your attitude.

When I was young I worked at having perfect hair and worried about being smart enough. I forgot to see the good in myself at times. Now I embrace my hair, my smile, my mind, and most importantly I focus on my character. I like who I am and that frees me up to focus on what matters most. Being kind.

People who are comfortable with themselves make other people comfortable in their presence. And that’s a gift. People will appreciate it if you aren’t so caught up in yourself that you are free to see them for who they are and like them for it. That can’t happen if you see others as competition. Who you are can be a gift to the world if you’re more concerned with being loving than being admired. That starts with knowing God made you with a purpose, and you are loved and beautiful!

So relax. You’re great! Embrace the good, work on what you can, and let go of the rest!

Prayer: Heavenly Father, thank you for putting your beauty in each person, including me. Help us to embrace what is unique and wonderful about ourselves, and trust you with our weaknesses. Grow us into mature women who are comfortable in our own skin so that we can love others without competition or pettiness. Make us like you, perfect in love. Amen.

{Moms, we have the opportunity to influence our daughters by our conversations and actions, and help them to become the young women of influence they were created to be. I’m writing these conversations to open up dialogue and disciple my own girls. You can use them to! Pass them on, print them out, share them with your girls. I welcome you to share your thoughts and experiences in the comments. I’d love to hear from you! What are you facing as a mom with your daughter right now? And if you’re not a mom you probably know a mom, go ahead and share this post with her today!}

On Loan

A midwife is a co-laborer – coaching, encouraging a new life into existence. An integral part of birth. A celebrant. But that new life doesn’t belong to her. She leaves the birthing room empty handed. Satisfied, perhaps, by a job well done. But she herself hasn’t become a mother. 

Two years ago, the image of a midwife came to mind. Through the night I sat by my mother’s bed counting each breath. Willing peace into that room. Straining with her, listening, anticipating, leaning in, whispering encouragement. She wasn’t giving birth, she was being reborn. She began to withdraw and took on an intense, inward focus. I remembered a similar feeling during my own childbirth. I shut the world out around me and every fiber of my being focused on birthing. Death and birth are strangely similar. Generally speaking, though, one is a happy event and one is sad. 

It’s such a strange thing watching a body become incapable of sustaining life. The one thing it was meant to do it can do no longer. I still loved that body. The hands and cheek, the arms and ears. That body had been my home, my first home, for months. Only three people in the whole world knew what her heart sounded like from the inside. But by morning no one had a use for her body anymore. Not even her. 

I will never forget her own mother’s passing. She was frantic to hold on to her, desperate to reach her before the last breath. She didn’t make it. I remember thinking very carefully that I wouldn’t do that to her. The last thing I said to her was, “It’s okay, you can let go. You’re doing good. Just let go. It’s going to be okay.” It sounded, to my ears, a lot like what my nurses whispered to me as I pushed my little babies into this world. I hoped my words gave her what she needed to pass into her new life. She always wanted approval, cared what people thought, wanted to get it right. I was determined in her last moments she would get that from me. 

It’s stunning how 730 days can pass, crammed full of life, but in a moment I’m in that room again, listening to her breath. I can feel every moment. It’s the same with the birth of my babies. Every moment is etched in my mind. I can’t remember what I ate for dinner last Saturday, but whole hours are seared in my mind from the day I became a mother and the day I lost mine. 

Billions of people have been born and died since the beginning of the world. Each one of them have mattered, to someone. What has surprised me is how much her death has mattered to me. I like to think I’m practical, diligent, resilient, hopeful, rational, in control, and in a lot of ways I am, but I’m also an introspective, a yoyo, an extremist, sensitive, an idealist, and a critic. Sometimes I’m just numb. If I allow myself to feel the full weight of what her death means to me, and really what death means to the whole human race, I might not be able to function. Certainly that first year there were moments that I was just coping. 

Her death pulled back the thin veil of humanity and reminded me that life is on loan. When the midwife walks out of the labor room that just born life doesn’t belong to her. But neither does it belong to the mother, not really. She may be the most intimate relationship in that child’s life for a time, but no one owns life. We’re stewarding even our own.

Life belongs to the Creator.

For a season he may tie hearts together. We can be the midwives, coaches, partners, friends, mentors, champions, counselors and countless other things in the lives of those we love. But in the end only God is master. Only he says “come” and has the right to be obeyed. I like to think on the other side of death’s door mom’s perfect Father held her in his arms, welcomed her into her new life, kissed her face with joy, and blessed her with a new name – just like she had for me on the day of my birth. 

Helping our children prepare for life’s storms

So take a new grip with your tired hands and strengthen your weak knees. Mark out a straight path for your feet so that those who are weak and lame will not fall but become strong. Hebrews 12:12

Recently the tail end of Hurricane Irma lashed our small town. As I write this some friends are still without power three days later. In the night, an oak tree fell on the building across the street from us crashing into a power line, setting a transformer popping. My girls woke up screaming. I calmed them as my own heart raced. Through the night I watched the pecan tree by my bedroom window dance and bow in the raging wind. The oak trees across the street shook their leaves and bent under the pressure of the blast.

In the morning power had been restored on our street, but the effects of the storm were everywhere. In the daylight we could see the oak that had been uprooted and hit the power line and health department across the street. About five houses down an elegant columned home had suffered damage from an oak tree hitting it in the night. So many large trees in our neighborhood had stood, but some had not. And those few that hadn’t made a big impact, taking out power, and damaging homes, as they fell.

Pine trees are notorious for snapping in half in a strong wind. Oaks are often uprooted in wet conditions. In life our children will face dangerous conditions; winds that threaten to snap them, rains that threaten to uproot them. Is there anything we can do to prepare them for the challenges that lie ahead? Here are a few practices that will help ground our children for the future.

1. Don’t hide reality from them. Any difficult news should be explained to children in an age appropriate manner. We shouldn’t try to hide difficult things from them completely, but we can talk about it in simple ways they understand. When a pet dies or a storm hits, when a friend is hurt or relationships are broken it provides an opportunity to share perspective in a child’s life. Bad things will always happen, but how we talk about them shapes a child’s belief system. We can set the example of trust, joy, and prayerfulness to kids when challenges face us, and they will learn to respond the same way. In the storm I prayed with my girls, we thanked God for keeping us safe, we offered our home to our friends without electricity, and we talked about God’s power. I want them to learn how to respond to crisis in their own lives. Framing hard times as opportunities for growth, compassion, and trust will turn kids into victors and not victims. 
2. Teach them to understand God’s word. When difficult times hit it’s important for children to have a foundation in God’s word ahead of time. Part of that is helping them understand the bible as a whole, and not just snippets here and there. Sometimes we run the risk of telling bible stories like David and Goliath in a way that children believe all good guys win, or every bad thing in life can be overcome by a brave person. Yes David defeated Goliath, but kids need to know why. Everything in life is an opportunity for us to give glory to God and rely on him. Sometimes those opportunities come through loss and earthly defeat, sometimes through success. If victory itself is the prize, our kids will be focused on the wrong priority. Only Jesus satisfies, even little hearts. Circumstances are the variable, Jesus is the bottom line. A right view of scripture is crucial, but that takes careful nurturing on our part.
3. Even little people can exercise faith. When bad things happen invite children to pray and give as well. Two Christmases ago my daughter, who was seven at the time, heard about the Syrian refugee crisis. She asked me lots of questions, and I gave her the best age appropriate answers I could. We prayed for the people, especially the children, in that difficult situation. She wanted to do more. The holidays were approaching and I suggested that we could send the money we would use to buy presents to CAMA services to help with relief. She agreed without hesitation. Of course her grandparents bought her gifts, she didn’t completely go without, but she did make a sacrifice on behalf of others. It was a powerful opportunity to deepen her discipleship journey. Any child can be given similar opportunities to respond in faith to the storms of life.

As you prepare Sunday school lessons or teach your own children at home look for ways to frame the storms of life through a biblical perspective, set an example of faith, and provide ways for kids to respond. Life hands us all kinds of opportunities to practice our faith muscle. If we help children to begin that process now they will be better prepared as adults when hit by life’s hard winds to stand and not fall down. 

Ultimately as parents the outcome of our investment isn’t our responsibility. Whether our kids stand or fall in the face of life’s temptations and challenges is up to them. But it is up to us to give them the tools to respond to crisis. If they can see themselves as overcomers now, and not victims, it will go a long way to shape their endurance in this journey of life.

It’s Not About The Cucumber

I lost it with my daughter this week at dinner. Over cucumbers. She ate them the wrong way. At least I thought she did. To be fair we’ve been working on manners. Mostly it feels like a losing battle. And then, when my insistence that there is actually a right and a wrong way to eat cucumbers was met with a preteen smirk, it didn’t help matters.

Still, it was cucumbers. Perspective, it’s all perspective. My kids are good kids, all three of them. They make mistakes, but they are learning to be kind, are mostly helpful, get along really well, want to please, and have tender hearts towards Jesus. Seriously, you’d think I would have let the cucumber go.

It was a pride thing. An “I’m the mom!,” thing. As humans, whenever our authority, validity, or worth is questioned sparks often fly.

That’s the difference between me and Jesus. I have something to prove, or so I think – him, not so much. He’s the image of the invisible God, the one who holds everything together, worthy of worship, perfect (Col. 1). If anyone had a reason to get testy when sniveling little runts punked up and questioned his authority, it was Jesus.

But he didn’t.

The disciples jockeyed for position regularly in their years following him, even on their last night together no one was willing to budge an inch and humble himself to a servants job. So Jesus did. He showed the way and washed all their grimy feet.

Jesus knew that the Father had given him authority over everything and that he had come from God and would return to God. So he got up from the table, took off his robe, wrapped a towel around his waist, and poured water into a basin. Then he began to wash the disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel he had around him. John 13:3-5

Even ol’ betraying Judas. Because Jesus didn’t have anything to prove, just love. He was convinced of his authority, sure of it. He didn’t have to grasp it or demand it. Bending low, loving well, forgiving mistakes far worse than bad table manners, was no big thing to him.

Unlike me. I was ready to take on my preteen. “Oh, yeah, I’ll see you your eye roll and raise you a sarcastic comment.” There were no winners. Until I took a long walk. And she took a shower. And we calmed down. She apologized for getting sassy and I apologized for being harsh.

I explained to her that sometimes mamas overreact to stupid stuff because we’re afraid. We’re afraid bad table manners will lead to laziness, which might lead to dropping out of school, or even being an unpleasant person no one wants to be with, because after all how you eat your cucumber can affect your social standing… And then what will people think of us if we raise  kids who eat their cucumbers weird or have bad manners. Mostly we just want to know we’re doing a good job and our kids listen to and respect us. And really we’re just learning still too. I think she got the gist of it.

I didn’t have to worry. Kids are quick to forgive, and for the most part want to please their parents. She forgave me.

Maybe you’ve been in that place too. Not necessarily loosing it over a cucumber or bad table manners, maybe it was the sock in the middle of the floor or the unfinished homework or the dog that hadn’t been fed, or maybe the sassy response or rude comment. Or maybe it’s not your kids that push your buttons, maybe it’s your husband or co-worker or that irritating lady you always get at the McDonald’s window.

If we can just remember that we don’t have anything to prove, our time will be much better spent. It’s not about the cucumber. Or the wrong McDonald’s order. It’s about the confidence to serve with gentle words and kind eyes. To teach and discipline with perseverance and good humor. To hope, always hope, that the outcome is going to be good!

Jesus is such a beautiful example of the power of knowing who we are. When we are confident we matter, confident we’re loved, confident we’re worthy, things like cucumbers won’t shake us. We’ll have the power to stoop low and serve, one more time.

Eight Tips for Building a Marriage that Lasts

Nineteen years. In September that’s how long Chris and I will have been married. That’s a long time! Nineteen years of marriage didn’t happen by accident, not at all. Each year was hard earned, some of them more than others. At year ten I almost walked away. I have yet to see a marriage where one person is completely innocent of any wrong doing. Both contribute to the pain and the success. That has certainly been true for us.

I can honestly say I love Chris more today than I ever have. He is a source of comfort and joy. I would rather laugh with him or cry with him than anyone else. Our arguments have lessened in frequency and intensity. But funnily enough the things we fuss about haven’t really changed at all!

Investing in our marriage has been a conscious effort, a commitment. So what have we done to build a healthy marriage? Here are 8 tips for a relationship that endures.

1. Recognize the humanity of your partner. In the first year of marriage, during one of our intense newlywed conversations, I remember posing a question along the lines of what we would do if one of us was unfaithful. Chris responded that, hard as it would be, he would work to forgive and restore our relationship. I was aghast, no way, you’re dead meat if you do that to me! I’ve grown up a lot. The pedestal I liked putting people on has long ago been put away. I don’t expect unfaithfulness from my husband, and thankfully he is the most loyal person I know, but I also have come to realize that people are people. We all disappoint each other. You can’t expect perfection, or for your spouse to meet all of your expectations. There must be room for growth in a marriage. Don’t be surprised by your spouse’s human nature.
2. Don’t expect your spouse to satisfy your every desire. God created both of you, it stands to reason only the Creator of your soul can fulfill it’s deepest longing. We were each made to be worshipers, but a spouse makes a poor god. No one can bear up under the pressure to deeply satisfy the human heart, that job belongs to Jesus. We both have the responsibility to nurture our own relationship with God. A heart at peace with our Creator prepares us to love and serve our spouse in the way we were created to. As our hearts begin to beat in time with Jesus’ our hearts will beat in time with each other.
3. Watch your wandering eyes. The biggest surprise for me in marriage was the ability to notice another person. So naive, I know! I guess I thought once I had found my true love I would only have eyes for him. But that’s silly, because it didn’t take long for him to annoy me. I had to make a conscious decision to guard my eyes and my thoughts. Every action is born in the heart. When we allow ourselves to imagine ourselves with people other than our spouse we have started down a very tricky path and adultery is being incubated in our heart, ready to be born in the right moment. I don’t allow myself to watch movies or shows that feed dissatisfaction with my husband or ignite my imagination about another person. It’s not worth the risk. I need to focus my affection and attention on my husband fully. Our hearts can be divided too easily if we’re not careful.
4. Be humbly ready to own your own mistakes and weaknesses first. Is your spouse perfect? Nope. Are there things they need to change? Yes. Is nagging them and pointing out their faults going to accomplish that change? No way. The biggest shift in our marriage began when I willingly owned my own mistakes and weaknesses, and stopped pointing out his faults. The only person you can change in a marriage is you. Work on you, pray for your spouse, and see what happens.
5. Expect good out of your spouse. There’s a reason you married your spouse, you saw something good there. Sometimes you just need to remember and recite those good things. I can honestly say my husband is a man of goodwill. He would never intentionally hurt me or put his family in danger. But I don’t always agree with every decision he makes, and sometimes he hurts my feelings or has an off day. When those things happen I remember he is a man of goodwill and character. Which puts the off days in perspective and reminds me not to overreact. I know he needs me to see the best in him, and sometimes he needs me to remind him of the best. So often you get out what you put in. If you sow words of faith, hope and love, that’s what you get out. I’m still working on that, but it’s a truth I’ve seen born out.
6. Speak the good in public and the bad in private. I make it a point to only speak good things about my husband in public. It’s especially important for him since he is in such a visible position as a pastor. That doesn’t mean he’s perfect or on occasion there aren’t hard things to say about our marriage. It just means I say those in private and in the right context. It also doesn’t mean I’m not real about our marriage. I don’t mind saying that we’re opposites and that’s created more than a few sparks over the years. Or that we have very different social needs. But I’m just as quick to point out my own quirks and contributions to our idiosyncrasy. A nagging critical wife is hard to live with, and believe me at times I have been that. It gets old after a while to be a complainer though, and watching the toll on his heart helped me change some of those habits over time. A good rule of thumb is to praise him in public, and deal with the junk in private. Of course that’s a good rule for any relationship!
7. Prioritize the two of you. We have three children from 9-13 years old. Life gets busy. Even so our relationship is a priority. We didn’t take a family vacation this summer. Instead the kids headed to church camp for a week and we headed to Charleston, just the two of us. We loved each other first and we love each other best. Of course we love our children too, they just don’t come before our marriage. My husband has told our kids on more than one occasion, “I love you by loving your mother well.” I appreciate that. And so do they. It gives them a sense of security and comfort knowing their parents love and actually like each other. We spend plenty of time working, playing, learning, and loving together as a family, but we’re careful to set time aside for just the two of us to connect. We were together before the kids joined us and will be together long after they leave home.
8. The nature of God is the best standard. The book of Galatians tells us that the nature of God alive in us produces fruit that is loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, good, faithful, gentle, and self-controlled. If we allow God to transform us into that kind of person our marriages will endure even in challenging times. Attentiveness makes them incredibly precious to us. We will be slow to dishonor them after having already bathed them in kindness, gentleness, patience, and love. Treat your spouse like the precious gift they are, and that’s how they will feel and how you will see them. It can change the tone even in a tense relationship. Because honestly, has nagging or worrying or freaking out really ever gotten you anywhere good? Yeah, me neither.

Marriage is a holy battle ground where we fight against our own selfishness so that love can win. In the hand of God a faithful marriage can accomplish a great deal of eternal good. When I was young I dreamed foolish fairy tales, where I was the star of the story. Romance was about me and how adored and happy I could be. That kind of silliness is for children and should be left in childhood. The truth of marriage is far more powerful than a Cinderella fantasy.

Marriage, at it’s heart, is about mirroring Jesus’ love for his people. (Ephesians 5:21-33) When God joins two people in marriage he is extending an invitation of partnership. We are invited to join with him in the most intimate way possible to produce holiness in another person’s life. What a privilege to see old broken ways of thinking fall away and a rebirth take place in front of us. What a privilege to extend the balm of forgiveness over another person’s heart and see healing begin. What a privilege to hope and pray, to see the best become reality. Truly a journey like that makes two become one, it’s eternal, mysterious, and a privilege.

Which of these tips do you need to apply the most to your marriage right now? No matter how challenging things are, or how good they may be, there is always work to be done. And hope, there’s always lots of hope.

Conversations with my Daughter – Family

You see all types of families around you. Even our family is unique through adoption. Family can make you sad and it can make you happy. What did God have in mind when he created family? It was his idea, after all. To know what he had in mind we look at the bible.

Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib, and he brought her to the man.

“At last!” the man exclaimed.

“This one is bone from my bone,

and flesh from my flesh!

She will be called ‘woman,’

because she was taken from ‘man.’”

This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. Genesis 2:22-24

God made the first man and woman to be partners, to work together, to raise children together, to be friends. God created them to have a very deep connection with each other, one that they don’t share with anyone else. A strong family is built on a strong marriage.

As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Ephesians 5:31-33

In Ephesians marriage gives us a picture of the relationship Jesus has with his people, the church. He loves them and serves them. The church, in turn, respects and submits to him. God gave the world a picture of his love when he created families; a husband loving his wife, a wife respecting her husband.

When children join the family it becomes a little community. A family should be a safe place for everyone, especially children, to learn and grow. Families are the place where we first learn to show love, kindness, patience, gentleness, and forgiveness. Families are God’s idea, and they matter. 

But not every family we see looks like the picture I’ve described, does it. Why is that?

There are lots of reasons. One is that not everyone shares our beliefs. Our society as a whole doesn’t understand the importance and power a family has. Not everyone is willing to make the commitment to serve the needs of others, which is necessary in a healthy family.

Many of your friends have divorced parents or are being raised by a single mom or live with grandparents or have a mom or dad that’s living with a boyfriend or girlfriend. Some of these differences are a choice, some of them are circumstances they can’t control.

Families can look all kinds of ways and love fills many homes. In our family we are striving to live in God’s ideal. That is why mom and dad are committed to each other, and to you. We believe a healthy, loving family honors God, and is a picture of his love to the world.

It’s important to understand God’s design for the family, while also keeping a humble heart. When you have friends whose families look different than ours be gracious and kind. Don’t judge. You have no idea the things they are facing. Life is hard, and not everything works out the way we hope it will. Also, many people won’t embrace your value system. That’s okay. The only responsibility you have is to obey God, let him take care of everyone else.

Which leads me to obedience. As you grow up I challenge you to pray for the young man you will marry. My mom taught me to, and when I met your dad I knew I had been praying for him for years! Ask God to make your future husband wise and kind, to give him a strong faith in Jesus, and to lead you to each other at just the right time.

In the next few years you will start to see boys and girls living together like they’re married, but without any real commitment to each other. Don’t romanticize that practice. It is not healthy, and not for a young woman who has committed to following Jesus with her life. Strong marriages are born out of commitment to God and serving him. There are hard times ahead in marriage, and a deep love for God will help you stick it out. If marriage is only built on attraction and convenience you’re starting with a shaky foundation.

There have been moments I’ve wanted to leave your dad. But the investment I made in our dating relationship and early years of marriage, the love I have for God, and my commitment to our family has kept me here. And I’m glad, because I love daddy more now than the day we were married. Our lives our so meshed together it would be physically painful to separate them. More than anything though I am invested in his, and your, spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical well-being. That has become my priority.

In a world that loves itself and serves comfort and pleasure, commitment to others stands out. God intended it to. You’ve been called to live that way. Don’t be trapped into serving a fairy tale illusion of prince charming, allow God to develop your character now so that you will be the wife and mother God created you to be. He wants you to be a woman of great influence. And your greatest place of influence starts with the people you share your home and life with, from there it spreads out to the world around you.

Prayer: God, thank you for creating families. Help us to serve the members of our family well. Teach the young women of this next generation how to be the wives and mothers you want them to be. Give us hearts of love and kindness. Amen.

{Moms, we have the opportunity to influence our daughters by our conversations and actions, and help them to become the young women of influence they were created to be. I’m writing these conversations to open up dialogue and disciple my own girls. You can use them to! Pass them on, print them out, share them with your girls. I welcome you to share your thoughts and experiences in the comments. I’d love to hear from you! What are you facing as a mom with your daughter right now? And if you’re not a mom you probably know a mom, go ahead and share this post with her today!}

Conversations with my Daughter – You Matter

The world can be a harsh place. Even as a young girl you may have noticed differences between you and others. Your relationships probably look different than your friends relationships. You can do some things really well and other things not so well. I know you have been teased a time or two.

To have a strong heart you need to know what God says about you. He created you with a purpose. You matter! David, who was king of Israel and a song writer, said this about his relationship with God:

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed.

How precious are your thoughts about me, O God.
They cannot be numbered!
I can’t even count them;
they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up,
you are still with me!Psalm 139:15-18 NLT

How does it make you feel that God is thinking about you? You are not an accident. He knew you before anyone else did. He made your body, and mapped out the purposes of your life. The world is full of problems, unkind people, broken things. God created each of us to be a partner with him to solve problems and love people.

One day everything will be made right through Jesus, but for now God is using each of his people to make a difference right where they are. You might not be able to change the whole world but you can bring light to your family, your school, and your church. You have your own way of looking at the world, a unique personality, and special gifts. Each experience has taught you and given you a better understanding of life and people.

You are more than what you look like, the mistakes you’ve made, or what other people say about you. You are a unique creation, with an opportunity to join God in the good work he’s doing.  You matter!

When you choose to be kind it matters. When you are responsible and helpful it matters. When you are brave and overcome your fear it matters. It also matters if you are selfish, angry, or rude. Your actions, what you believe, how you talk to others has an influence on your classroom, your friends, your family, and each person you talk to.

“For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.” Ephesians 2:10

You might be young, but you are important. God created you for good. He has you on his mind. And he invites you to be his partner. You can’t control if other people like you. But you can like you, and you should because God thinks you’re awesome!

Prayer: God help me to use my ideas, words, energy, and each gift for you. Remind me that I matter, even though I doubt sometimes. Help me be brave and to make a difference in the world. And thank you for knowing me and making me special. Amen.

{Moms, we have the opportunity to influence our daughters by our conversations and actions, and help them to become the young women of influence they were created to be. I’m writing these conversations to open up dialogue and disciple my own girls. You can use them to! Pass them on, print them out, share them with your girls. I welcome you to share your thoughts and experiences in the comments. I’d love to hear from you! What are you facing as a mom with your daughter right now? And if you’re not a mom you probably know a mom, go ahead and share this post with her today!}

Conversations with my Daughter – Mean Girls

Let’s talk about mean girls.

There will always be mean girls. It may surprise you but sometimes you will even be the mean girl. That’s because mean is easy.

School is starting soon and no doubt you will encounter mean girls in your class, at lunch, in the halls, on the bus. It’s just going to happen. You can’t control how people treat you but you can control how you respond.

1. You need to know that no one can define you. If a mean girl (or boy for that matter) says that you are stupid or ugly or no one likes you, understand that even though those words may hurt, you have the power to choose to believe them or not. This is what God thinks about you, “Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes. God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure.” (Ephesians 1:4-5) God loves you, he chose you, he put you in his family and that makes him happy. Always listen to God, and people who can be trusted, instead of people who have shown themselves to be unkind.
2. Have empathy, even for mean girls. Empathy is the ability to understand the feelings of others. Even mean girls have feelings. Think about a time a friend accused you of being mean. What was happening? Had you meant to be mean or were you just having a bad day? Sometimes we get in the way of someone else’s bad day, be understanding. Or maybe you know a person who truly is hateful all the time. Ask yourself, do I know their whole story? Maybe she has been hurt by other people herself. Maybe her family is very poor and she’s embarrassed but it comes out as mean. Maybe her dad is in jail and she’s afraid. Maybe a family member hits her at home. Everyone is responsible for their own actions, but sometimes there is real hurt behind people’s mean actions, and we should care about that. Caring about another person isn’t an excuse to let them hit you or call you a name, but don’t let anger grow in your heart. And if you are being hurt, always get an adult involved.
3. Forgive other people’s bad actions right away. Forgiving someone’s bad actions or hurtful words doesn’t mean we pretend it didn’t happen, it just means we’re not going to hold on to that hurt so that it will continue to affect us. Sometimes this is hard and takes a lot of practice. It’s easier if have learned empathy though, and recognize that everyone has a story. One day you will say something rude or hurtful and will need to be forgiven as well. If you forgive others it will be easier for others to forgive you when you need it.
4. Set up boundaries. Sometimes you have asked someone not to tease you, you’ve told the adult in charge, you’ve forgiven their actions, but the bad behavior continues. That’s when it’s time to set up boundaries. Without being rude or thinking mean thoughts about a person, remove yourself from their circle of friends and let them know if they continue to be ugly you won’t be able to spend time with them. It is all right to let people know that certain actions aren’t okay, and that they have consequences.
5. Don’t take it to heart. At some point in life everyone gets teased. You are not alone. It doesn’t mean you are different or bad or deserve to be teased. Don’t let the mean words stick. Remember that your family loves you and sees the good in you. God loves you, and he will use even the hurtful words and actions of others to make you a more caring person, if you let him. You matter, whatever anyone else may say.
6. Don’t be a mean girl yourself. Sometimes, when you are being teased or bullied it’s easy to be dragged into the fight. Walk away from it, get an adult involved, don’t stoop to name calling. Remember, at any time angry and selfish words can fly out of your mouth. It may be hard to believe, but in the right circumstances and with the right person you have the potential to be a mean girl too. Be humble. Recognize your need for the Holy Spirit to remind you of the right way to act. It’s by knowing God’s word and committing yourself to following Jesus that you avoid being mean. And even then we may mess up. If so apologize, learn from your mistake, and decided to do better.

God has set you apart to bring him praise, he loves you, and has a purpose for you. Even when you struggle at school with mean girls God is with you. He will show you how to respond and even teach you important lessons through it. Let your heart be soft with kindness and compassion, even when others are not. That’s what Jesus nature alive in us can look like.

“You have heard the law that says, ‘Love your neighbor’ and hate your enemy. But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven. For he gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust alike.” Galatians 5:43-45

Prayer: God help us to love others the way you love us, even our enemies. Help us remember that no matter what anyone else says or does we are special to you. We want to live with confidence in our value and gentleness in our actions. Give us wisdom for each situation we face. Amen.

{Moms, we have the opportunity to influence our daughters by our conversations and actions, and help them to become the young women of influence they were created to be. I’m writing these conversations to open up dialogue and disciple my own girls. You can use them to! Pass them on, print them out, share them with your girls. I welcome you to share your thoughts and experiences in the comments. I’d love to hear from you! What are you facing as a mom with your daughter right now? And if you’re not a mom you probably know a mom, go ahead and share this post with her today!}

My Mom was beautiful because she lived

Just a little over one and a half years ago my mother drew her last ragged breath. It may as well have been a lifetime ago. It feels like forever. Maybe because I started losing her months before.

During the few days she lay in a hospice bed I watched her essence slip away. It was strangely reminiscent of seeing someone undress. Intimate, uncomfortable, humbling. The old was being stripped off; a husk discarded. People say, I suppose by way of comfort when someone has died, “that’s just a body, the person’s not really here.” As if the body is unimportant. That sentiment is not actually comforting. Her body was a conduit for expressing her love.

My mom’s features changed as she died. Through the strange mask of illness a familiar expression would break through, her hands moved like a memory, her eyebrows lifted just so. Curled in a window seat I studied her. Remembered her. The cancer had eaten away her strength, the softness of her cheek. Her hair was gone. The hair I’d watched her meticulously curl for years. Still, she was in there, I could see it.

The last day was silent. She couldn’t talk anymore. So I listened to her breath. For hours I just listened to her breathing. It reminded me of being a new mother, how I would lay near my son’s cradle and listen to him breathing, just to make sure.

And then it was over. No more breathing.

It’s funny. For years I had watched her struggle with the concept of beauty like someone fighting a roll of saran wrap. My whole life she had weighed herself and deprived herself trying to be thin. But she wasn’t thin. She was built just like the women in her family have been for generations. Generous hips, soft arms for hugging. Until the day she lay bone thin in a hospital bed. Thinner than she’d ever been. She wasn’t beautiful because she was thin; she was beautiful because she had lived.

My dad and I stood there in the silent room with her. After it was all over. I looked down and her feet were stretched out from under her sheet. So familiar.

The last thing I did for my mom was to paint her toenails.

She was going to be cremated the next day. Nail polish didn’t matter. But she would have liked it that way. She would have wanted them red. She cared about beauty. She was the same way about toenail polish as I am about lipstick.

As the room lay silent, no more straining to hear her breathing, a knife sliced through the membrane of my heart, letting in a shadow called Loss. He glided to the corner and lives there still in a silvery web.

The memories and the lessons live there too. I can’t number all of the lessons from my mom. The source and meaning of true beauty is the one I’m rolling around now, like a rock in a stream bed being polished. My mother was beautiful because she lived. I don’t think she realized that until the twilight years of her life.

Its something we women need to learn quick. We are beautiful because we live. We smile, we hug, we love, we laugh, we create, we imagine, we are beautiful. Life is too short to waste it on measuring our waist. If we measure anything it should be our kindness, or maybe our joy.

Paint your toenails red, wear lipstick, buy the pretty dress, fix up your hair if you want, but mostly, make sure you live.